I wish my life were an Old Navy commercial

Sometimes I do wish my life were different. That I studied harder in high school, or got my driver's license earlier, or didn't do that one thing that forced me to change my identity. But probably the one thing I regret is that my life is nothing like an Old Navy commercial.

I truly wish I could get a few of my fellow catalog models together to have a fashion sweater party, wrapping presents and drinking hot cocoa while smirking for no discernible reason as a vaguely Christmasy round about tangerines plays in the background. There may or may not be heaven, but that sounds damn close.

Honestly, could there be anything better? None of that pesky conversation to bog you down. You'd just have to speak to each other with your eyes.

"We're sexy aren't we?"

"Yes, and effortlessly so."

"Pass the marshmallows."

Nary a word spoken aloud. Sexy people have telekinetic powers. True fact.

I used to wish my life were a Gap commercial. You know, call up two dozen or so friends, tell them to put their khakis on and run on over to my apartment consisting of an empty white room to put on a intricately choreographed dance. Seal would be there, too!

But then it turned out none of my khaki friends liked Seal. So that dream died.

Also, Seal doesn't do swing music. Or at least not well.

Anywho, it's my belief that nirvana can only be achieved through being in a commercial for a clothing store. No worries at all. Everybody is sufficiently trendy. No hunger, no war, just dancing (and in some cases, prancing). You can survive for three days on nothing but the pure unfiltered joy achieved by wearing the latest brands with other people while participating in one or more arbitrary activities.

Seriously, it never fails. Take any mundane, meaningless activity, put it in a clothing commercial, and suddenly there's nothing you'd rather do.

Addressing an envelope: boring.
Addressing an envelope WHILE WEARING A CASHMERE BLEND V-NECK SWEATER: PREFERABLE TO CURING CANCER.

Watering a plant: lame.
Watering a plant WHILST SPORTING A BRUSHED COTTON T: I WOULD LEAVE THE LOVE OF MY LIFE TO DO IT AGAIN.

Bathing the elderly: gross.
Bathing the elderly IN A TRAPEZE TOP: GREATER THAN EVERY MIRACLE EVER PERFORMED COMBINED.

(Note to self: Could genocide be stopped by filming GAP ad in affected village? Look into it.)

I should clarify. I'm not saying models are the happiest people in the world. I'm saying the people they portray are the happiest people in the world. I wish I were a character in an Old Navy commercial. To live in a perpetual state of brand name-induced glee...

If we could all be so happy/sexy about things as simple as sweaters, what a wonderful/sexy world this would be.